Thinning Out

I want to do this.
I want to do ths so badly it hurts.
If I can get back to where I was mentally and physically, it would be the best day of my life.
But how?
How can I get back there while I'm swimming all the time?
How can I eat less than 100 calories, have no energy, and be out of breath going up the stairs and then expect to swim 6500 yards at the end of the day?
How? If any of you know, please tell me because I'm at a loss.
I have to swim this winter, while I'd like to be dieting.
I'm so done with this sport that's constantly interrupting my life.

If any of you have any imput, please feel free to comment/message, because I don't know what to do.

I have had nothing but things that prove over and over for the past few days that when I don't eat, good things happen.
I stopped eating.
and a week later, things just started to go the way I want them to.

I saw a boy that I know, and have liked on and off for a couple of years twice today. Which is a lot, because he's not in any of my classes this semester. 
When I got home, I checked my facebook, and what was waiting for me? but a friend request from this boy.

I meant to add him a while ago, but I got scared and didn't.

A friend of mine had something in his arm. 
The doctors didn't know if it was a tumor, and if it was, was it benign or malignant, or if it was just a calcium build up.

Well after months of testing and waiting, and this and that. It came back /this/ week that it's just a calcium build up. Nothing to be worried about and they're going to be able to take it out no problem.

A bunch of other things have happened to me too, but I think things are just telling me-
don't eat.
your life will get better if you don't eat.

I know this is bad.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

I know I shouldn't lie to everyone around me about what I'm eating and what I'm not.

I know that the outcome of this could be awful for me.

I know that somehow there is a better way to do this.

but.

I already started it. I'm not a quitter.

If I don't tell them that I am eating, then it will become a huge deal.

How can being thin be awful?

A healthier way. But I want instant gratification. I want to be thin NOW.

and.

A healthier way is always a slower way.

My whole life, since second grade, has been ruled by the constant thought in my head of:

You are such a fucking fatass. 

Maybe not those exact words in second grade, but the same meaning.

Now it is time. 

I'm determined.

I'm doing it.

I've been so successful so far.

I can't stop now. I'm so close.

 

 

 So I'm only having one cup of tea today, because my first cup got interrupted.
I had just turned the water on, when my mom called and was like, 
"Oh! I forgot to tell you. You have a physical therapy appointment for your shoulder today, you're going to have to leave
the house about now, to make it on time."
I had to turn the water off, I forgot to make it right when I got home, and did some homework, and now it's way too late to have two cups because I can't drink it that fast, because it tastes awful. Even with honey.
Which is EXTRA calories.
Fuck my life.

In case any of you are wondering why I have to go to physical therapy for my shoulder/s, I have hyper-flexion/hyper-mobility in almost all of my joints. Basically, I can extend, stretch, and move my limbs/ joints almost three times a far as a normal person.

Because of that, which is really bad in my shoulders, there is a lot of extra movement happening in the joints, which has worn down a tendon that keeps most peoples shoulder ball in place. When I move my shoulders certain ways, it hits the tendon, which moves the joint around, causes a ligament in the joint to pop and hurts like a bitch.
                     So what we're trying to do, is build up the muscles in my shoulders to keep the joints from moving too much and hitting the tendon.
The great thing is that I'm not going to lose any flexibility from it, and my shoulder won't hurt.
The only way I could explain how my shoulders move would be to show you all pictures, and I would, but I don't know where exactly my camera is right now. 
I will tell you about my back, though.
I was in gymnastics for a few years. Who wasn't as a kid?

But the gymnastics coaches hated me, because when they tried and tried to get me to backhandspring, I couldn't land one on the floor to save my life. What would happen, is that I would undercut them so much that unlike a normal backhandspring that takes about 6-9 feet, depending, mine would be all in one place. I would jump, my hands would go where my feet used to be, and my feet would then go right back where they were to start. The problem was that I couldn't tell when I was doing it. So all of my practices on the trampolines, and everything else that I did to prepare was worth nothing, because unless I had someone watching everything I did, I had no idea if I was doing it all in one place, or if I was actually going somewhere.
                    Once I figured that out, I decided to to a backbend, and see how close to my heels I could get my hands, just for the hell of it.
                     little did I know how far I could get them. If I stretched out a lot now, I could maybe still do it, but I was going to gymnastics                           twice a week at this point, so I was fairly stretched out and loose. I could put my fingers inbetween my heels.
                     and for those of you who don't know, that is NOT normal.

This is my third post today, but I keep having thoughts, and condensing it all into one huge post would not work. 
Mostly because I would forget everything way before I could type it, if I didn't type things as they come to me.

 I'm reading all of your most recent posts. Some I've commented on, and some not, but now..
Now I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for being in such a good mood when so many of you are struggling so much.
I hate to see any of you like that.
I wish that we all had only good days, because our bad days are twice as bad as a normal persons.
Normal people don't hate themselves on a bad day.
Normal people don't want to make themselves throw up the entire contents of their bodies on a bad day.

There are times when I am so greatful for my ana, when I stand next to someone, and think, without this, I would never be smaller than her. On that rare occasion, it's the best thing to ever happen to me.

But there are days that all I want is to be normal, and for all of us who struggle constantly to be given a break, and just to be happy with ourselves how we are. Because how much easier would life be? If we were no longer self-deprecating, if we had some confidence?

I hope that all of us who want to get better, who want to live a normal life someday, get that day.
Because to live an entire life with this, I think is not something that anyone can handle.

 Most likely, I'll post again tonight, but since I'm on now, I figured, what the hell.

Hooray! 3:00 and all is well.
I've had 60oz. of water today, and not a bite to eat.
The best part, is that I don't even feel hungry, or have any cravings!
I don't want to eat at all, like, if a giant piece of.. German chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and that raspberry stuff in between the two layers was put in front of me right now, I could glance at it, and be like, No thanks! I'm not hungry! with no problem at all.
(which is usually a problem, because even though that kind of cake is absolutely rediculous calorie wise, and the thought of eating it gives me the worst anxiety and kind of makes me want to throw up, IT TASTES SO GOOD.)

I'm in such a good mood  :)

PLUS in one day.
Just yesterday.
I LOST FOUR POUNDS.
It was my first day of seriously being back too.

I love feeling like this.
I feel like I'm going to be at my goal weight in no time.
Maybe even under.
I feel substantially lighter, like the weight is just going to fall off at any second.

I know that this feeling won't last. It never does, but for now, while I'm at this optimistic place, 
I'm for once not going to rain on my own parade, because being happy.. 
haha
being happy, makes me happier, because I know that I'm happy in the first place, and that doesn't happen a lot.

Much love to all of you!
I hope the rest of your Tuesday is spectacular!

 This is actually my fourth post today.
I had to update and reintroduce myself everywhere.
It's been a while.
Since around May that I posted anything at all.

I'm not going to lie, I was "fixed" as I like to call it, for a while.
It was really nice. I wish I could get back there.
But just because you get temporarily better, does not mean that you won't go back to the beginning.
And that's what I did.

So.
I need to lose 20 pounds in 20 days. All I have to say in explanation is one word. BEACH. I can't go looking like this.
No way in hell.
After that, I don't care what rate I loose the pounds at, just as long as it's quick and consistent.
For those of you who have read my posts in the assorted communities, I appologise for reiterating.


I'm taking Venom, and drinking Three Ballerina Tea (which I think is very aptly named, because ballerina's form a largish number in our ranks.)

So other than the beach,  my other huge inspiration, or in this case thinspiration, is.. um.. 
you are all going to laugh at me for this..

James Bond.
All the 007 movies, but Casino Royale ( the 2006 version), Die Another Day, and Tomorrow Never Dies in particular.
Mostly Casino Royale, though. Die Another Day and Tomorrow Never Dies were excellent and added to the fire that Casino Royale started, but, my god.
It wasn't even that Vesper (Eva Greene) was so tiny. Because she is. If she looks that small on camera, GOD only know how tiny she is in real life.
No,  it wasn't that.
It was that I will never see that kind of love.
No one will ever say the kind of things that he says to her during what I call "the happy period" in the film, and I will never get a James Bond.

Not while I look like this.
And so when I watched her die, and him break into pieces, and think that she betrayed him,
I cried my eyes out. 
Because I want that kind of love. I just.. I can't even help it.
I have a lot of art prints on the walls of my room. Over 1/3 of them are black and whites of people kissing.
I developed a strange habit of downloading instrumentals from movies to my iPod.
I pick them from sad movies that I've seen, and I get the ones that mean the most to me.
The worst three are "At Wit's End" from Pirates of the Caribbean: 3
     Because it shows both of the love stories happening in the movie.
        Will and Elizabeth's Love-  It lasts, they get married, but they can only see each other for one day, every ten years.
         How awful would that be? To have that kind of love for someone, and to almost live your whole life seeing them only a couple of              times.
Then it shows Davy Jones and Calypso's love. She got him to do the job. And he did it, for ten years, then, when he could finally see his great love again, she isn't there. She doesn't show up. He loves her still, he's angry, but he loves her, and she is too wild a thing to actually know what love is. She only "loves" him when it's convenient for her to.
Both of these loves in my mind are failed. Even if it did work out between Will and Elizabeth.. it's a no win situation.
Then, after the Davy Jones and Calypso theme, it segways into Will and Elizabeth's theme overshadowing Davy Jones and Calypso.
It shows that they are the same, and that the situations between the two are so similar. 

The second, is from Phantom of the Opera. 
It's towards the end, when Raul goes down to the Phantoms lair to get Christine. 
That whole sequence, but in particular when the Phantom wants her to choose, and Raul could die at any minute, 
but he tells her "Don't throw your life away for my sake; I worked so hard to free you..."
It kills me. That someone could be at death's door, a noose around their neck, and they're telling you, "I love you, I did this so you could be free, choose your freedom over my life." 

The third is actually from Casino Royale.
It's the song that is in the background when they really start to connect, when they're on the beach, when they're in the gorgeous sailboat. When they look so in love. It's a happy song, it's light and you can tell that it's about their happiness, and how in love they are.
But it makes me cry, because I've seen the rest of the movie. I've seen him broken into millions of pieces, I've seen Quantum of Solace, where he spends the whole movie trying to avenge her death, and wondering "Did she actually love me? Did she die for me? or Did she betray me? Was it all a trick?" I've seen him drink to forget, and get so paranoid of the people around him, that the only person he thinks he can go to is someone who supposedly betrayed him in the first place. 

I really can't handle when guys are hurt- emotionally or physically.
I can't handle when they cry.
I can't handle when they give away their heart and it gets crushed.
It breaks my heart in half. I snap. I bawl my eyes out.

And so, my biggest inspiration ever, comes from fictional characters. 
Ones who don't exist.
But who have displayed a type of love that I think everyone wants.
A type of love that I can never hope to obtain and reciprocate as long as I look like this.
Because how can you love someone that much, if you're not even at peace with yourself?

And maybe that kind of love is real, and maybe it's not.
No matter, we can always hope.
"Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the days, and especially the nights, the hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time I lay my eyes upon you." - A Knight's Tale

I have one month until summer.
One month to lose at least twenty pounds.
That's five pounds a week.
It shouldn't be a problem if I do it right, but
I have to do it right.
I have to work out consistently.
I have to drink a lot of water.
I have to eat only the core ten foods.
I'm going to follow the abs diet plan explicitly.

I'm going to hope that this works.

Alright ladies,
I'm back, and a I'm more determined than ever.
I need to loose this weight,
I'm going to loose this weight.

There's nothing stopping me from accomplishing my goals, so I will reach them.
I have a better more positive attitude this time around, and this will happen.

I start tomorrow.
2468.
Hundred Day Plan
Consistant posting
Fasting
everything
 I have a half formed plan, and I'm certain it will work.

haven't posted in a while again.
things are getting busy.
soccer and track are starting soon.
i almost hope that i don't make soccer so that i can do track.
everyone i know has lost a lot of weight doing it.
anyway,
i think that lent will help me.
i'm thinking about cutting carbs.
no bread, no pasta, no crackers etc.

i don't know.

i wish i still had my friends.
i have two.
and i miss having a group.
but i feel like people won't let me into their groups because i'm accquiantences with all kinds of people, not just a certain kind.

i'm really depressed right now.
there's all kinds of drama going on.

on monday,
my dad and i were argueing again, like we always are.
fuck, we can't even be in the same room together.
anyway,
we were arguing, and he started yelling at me about something i had no controll over, and i stood there and took it for about five minutes, untill i was like "this is bullshit."
and told him basically that i didn't know what he was talking about, and that it wasn't my fault.
so he continues to scream at me, and finally i stop trying to explain and start screaming at him, because i was so angry.
he never listens to me when i talk.
he just thinks that i'm the kid, and can't possibly have a clue what i'm talking about.
i could be spewing out einstien's theorys and he would tell me i was wrong.
he probably wouldn't even know what he was telling me i was wrong about.
so anyway, while we were yelling we were standing in front of the front door, which is ribbed, and has a bunch of glass on it.
so he gets really mad that i was yelling back at him, grabs my shirt, throws me up against the door and holds me there.
i hit my head, and start crying because i can't believe he's actually doing this.
so i scream at him that if he ever does it again i'll call mom, and then the police.
and he's just like "FINE, CALL BOTH."
he yells at me some more, and then finally lets up,
i have a hold on him, because i was trying to push him off
so i get another fold of his shirt, and shove him off of me.
i was so mad that i didn't even realize when i was pushing him how hard i pushed him, because he acctually lost his balance and hit the wall right across from the door.
which made him furious, so he grabbed me again and yelled about how if i ever hit him again he would kill me.
he then let me go, screamed some more about the issue we had been previously arguing,
i grabbed my purse, and my friends birthday present, and ran out the door to wait for my ride.

so, i go to the party,
come home, and my mom isn't there yet.
i don't want to be in the house with him by myself, and wait outside until she comes home.
when she does, i tell her about what happened, and she doesn't really react.
she talks to him, and the bastard LIES.
he lied to her about a bunch of what happened.
so i come back down stairs, and tell her that he was lying, and she didn't react again.
AND HE THINKS THAT WHAT HE DID WAS OKAY.
i have a bump the size of a tennis ball on the back of my head, and he thinks that what he did was fine, and that everything is great.
he didn't even appologise to me.
seriously,
when i get out of here, i'm never talking to him again.
i'm not going to family occasions if he's going, and i'm not inviting him to my wedding.
i hope he doesn't live to see his grandchildren, and i hope eventually my mom leaves him.

ever since the heart attack, he's been an asshole.
he pulls shit all the time when my mom's not home, because he knows he can get away with it, and that she won't do anything because she didn't see it.
all he does is yell at me, and make comments about what a dumb bitch i am.
and i'm sick of it.
for the first few months i could understand, but it's been over a year, and it's no longer an excuse.

So I haven't gotten on in a little while.
I got really busy with Finals for school, and other things.

The weight piled on, because I was studying and not excercising.
I'm going to do some pilates in a few minutes.

I don't really want to talk about that right now, though.

Ever since Monday night, I've had this nagging in the back of my mind.
About Heath Ledger.
You never expect to see someone like that die.

They're so beautiful, and seem like such an amazing person.
They're talented, and have everything in the world going for them.
He was in the new Bob Dylan movie, I'm Not There, and the new Batman movie.
He's been in successful movies before, not only Brokeback Mountain.

He was always one of my favorie actors, and I keep wondering, "Why?"
If there is a god, why did he take him so soon, he was only 28.
Why him?

Reading the interveiws about him is emotionally challenging  because everyone talks about how happy he was, and how great a person he was, and what a nice guy he was.
And I keep thinking, "Was I supposed to meet him?"
"Did I miss my chance?"
"If so, where along the line did it come, that I didn't see it?"

And usually, I don't care that much when celebrities die.
James Brown, Ray Charles, Ronald Reagan, plenty of others.
Didn't care.


But Heath Ledger, is killing me.
No pun intended.



In other news, I've developed an infatuation with washing my face.
The different soaps, and ways to use the effectively.
I have no idea why.

well, i binged today. that sucks.
i'm glad that dog is gone though.

tomorrow i'm starting a fast, hoping to loose some pounds quickly.
we'll see.
I found one that I like.
it's a combination of water and juices.
I finished a book today.
it wasn't a very good one, i'm not even sure why i read it.
but the main characters name was Charlotte Mielzwetski and i thought that was interesting.

bye for now.

So I'm going to shower, and then go to bed.
just that, in that order.
i'm exhausted.


played an indoor soccer game with just eight people, instead of the usual eleven.
needless to say, we lost.
not that badly, though, given the circumstances.

whatever.

sleep.

i'll write more tomorrow.
speaking of, i have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow.
I do know that i get rid of my mom's friends dog tomorrow.
this stupid dog is the most annoying creature i have ever met.
He barks to go outside.
He barks for food.
He barks when he begs.
He barks if you stop paying attention to him for five seconds.
He barks if you're eating and not giving him any.
He barks when you come in.
He barks when you leave.
He just doesn't ever stop.
He even barks in his sleep.

AND
the most annoying part, is that I can't pet my dog properly, because
if I start to pet my dog, and don't pet him at the same time, he starts humping my dog.
which sounds kind of funny, but mostly, it just makes me want to kill him.

I'm really irritable right now.
Don't think that I generally walk around thinking of all the ways that I can kill a dog without being caught.
It's just that he's been here for two weeks, and if he stays here any longer I'm going to lock him in a soundproof room and never let him out.
I'm so happy he's leaving tomorrow, you have no idea.

So I've decided that unless there's a title that really sticks out at me, I'm just going to post the date as the title.
I don't really feel the need to make up one every day.

So I'm super tired right now, got home from rowing a few hours ago.

We did two sets of 25 minutes on the ergs with four minutes rest in between, and then did 45 seconds of each station circuit training 3 times. My hands look like a war zone. I have blisters on top of blisters.
Hell, I even have blisters on my fingers.
I'm glad I did it though, hopefully the scales will make me happy in the morning.

I drank a lot of water today, too.
I feel like if I drink anymore I'll start throwing it up.
Kind of gross, I know; but that's the reality of it.
I was never one for beating around the bush.

The food front didn't go so well today.
I did alright with lunch, and I ate a really small salad when I got home, just so I would have something in my stomach to work out on.
I generally don't mind working out on an empty stomach, but rowing is like, hardcore, and the place we practice at isn't air conditioned.
Either that or they turned it off for the winter.
Both ways, it's hot as hell in there and I think I would pass out if I was running on empty.
The coach wants us to run five miles on the off days.
I don't fucking think so.
I don't know who in their right mind runs five miles for a sport that they're not even going to continue, but it's not me.

But other than the salad I didn't eat anything until a few minutes ago  when I looked in the fridge and there was Arabic food that my mom hadn't told me she brought home and I couldn't help myself.
I didn't eat that much, but I hope the salt doesn't kill me and make me retain all this water.
Unfortunately, I live in downriver Michigan.
My mother works in Dearborn.
There are a LOT of arabic people in Dearborn.
If you haven't deducted the conlcusion from this;
 the food is really good.
I can't ever talk myself out of eating it.


I wonder if you burned your tongue enough times your tastebuds would just eventually stop working.
That would be really convenient

I've made several new friends on here, and I'm really excited about it.
I haven't had friends in a long time.

Today wasn't so bad.
I think I just need to start bringing water with me for lunch so I don't even have to go in the line and be tempted.

I was calculating things, and I may have said this in another post, but did you know that a bologna sandwhich
and all I'm talking about is two slices of bologna, two slices of bread, 1 tbs. of light mayo, and some mustard, is 400  calories?
400.
That's crazy.
I'm really greatfull that I don't like bologna.
Or mayo for that matter.

I was eating raw green beans, and if you mix dijon mustard with hot sweet and sour sauce, and dip your green beans in it, it's amazing.
And only 30 calories for 2 tbs. (of the dip).
And then the calories for the green beans, but that's not many.

I just need to keep thinking about how disgusting food is and I'll be fine.

Also, I went running today. For about a half hour.
I feel really accomplished.
But I'm happy about it because I need the endurance for indoor soccer.
I had my first game on Friday night, and the games are 55 minutes long, straight.
There isn't a half time.
That wouldn't be so bad, but my team is really small and we only have one sub.
Whatevs.

Rowing tomorrow.
I don't want to go.

Mostly because the girl who gives me a ride is a creep and I don't like her at all.
She's also a terrible driver and I get nervous even being in the car with her.
Thank god this is like the last time I have to ride with her.
I can't wait until I can afford my own car.

much love,
stay strong.

Rhian

Tomorrow is school and I think it will make the low calorie intake much easier.
I don't eat breakfast, and I won't eat lunch.
Dinner I can skip saying I'm not hungry after running.

I think I will continue to plan my days like that.
It seems much easier to do that than to make it up as I go.

It's funny, I remember having a dream that I typed that.
That I was anorexic.
I told my friend about it, I thought it was very odd.
It's not so odd now.


I'm so angry right now.
I gained two pounds from yesterday and I don't know how.
It doesn't make any sense.
I didn't eat that much, I drank water, and I went running.
The weight just fucking goes on faster than it comes off.

Today is the first day of the 2468 diet/28 Day Plan.
(again.)

It's started off well. I've eaten some green beans and started drinking water already.
I plan to run for a half hour later, should be about two miles.

I'll update again later tonight, when I post on the 28 Day Plan.
much love/
Rhian

Tomorrow I'm starting the 28 Day Plan, as well as the 2468 diet.
I need to loose weight desparatley. I thought I was doing alright, and then I looked in the mirror and got on a scale.
I'd rather not say what the results were, but it's been too long.

I'm so dissapointed with myself.
I never should have let it go that much.
But it was so easy to not think about it.
To just let it happen.
So easy to not need to be in control once I got used to it.

I plan on fasting for a while too.
I probably need a good detox after all those disgusting carbs.

I want to throw up everything.
Everything that I've eaten in the past few months.

I'm heavier now than I have been in a long time and I hate it, and I hate myself.
I hate how I look and that I didn't have the drive to keep it up.

New year, new me.
This time I'll keep with it.